Love is foreign to me

      I wonder why I don't feel self-positive emotions. Maybe it's because I don't understand love or its the fact that it's a completely foreign emotion to me. I wake up every day thinking oh God I'm fat or I want to be loved and I am loved. I just don't understand the emotion. I have a mother who loves me, friends who care. I also have a boyfriend. But!!! For some reason, I get uncomfortable when confronted with self-positive emotions. Maybe it's because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Maybe it's because I was abused and don't think I'm deserving of love. Whatever the reason is I hope to someday be able to understand love. It's an important part of our lives. It is what helps creativity flow or inspires people. For me, it's not loving that inspires my creative process. Instead, the inspiration I receive is from harsh, sad, painful, damaged emotional times. Times where I've gone through or am going through shit. In the end, I'm sure that some people feel and understand true love, but for me, love is simply a foreign creature, an emotional response I don't understand